UPDATE...TOTALLY FORGOT!

I do have an update on my monster-in-law.  A few months back I wrote of my issues with my husbands mother.  I ranted and raved about all the things that I had gone through with her.  It did make me feel better and worked as a tool to get all my aggression out.  I figured I was done with the issue and moved forward. David had explained to her that she needed to give me time and that things would get better with time.  Her coming over the summer was out of the question.  We both thought that things were settled for a while and it was ok for a bit.  David had gotten a few calls from his mother after that trying to figure out a way here before the summer ended but he took care of that.  Then lo and behold a few weeks back I get a phone call from, you guessed it...my mother-in-law.  She left a message saying that she apologized for whatever it was that she did wrong and just wanted to put it past us and move forward.  She pleaded to find out just what it was that she has done to upset me and that whatever it was she is sorry.  She said nothing she's ever done was with any intention of hurting me.  So after listening to her message a few times I decided to finally have my say.  If she wanted to find out from me what I was upset about it was high time for me to tell her...right?  She asked and I gave it to her.  The email is below:

Janet,

I received your message and per your request I am responding.  I have held back in responding to you because I haven't wanted to upset David by letting you know exactly why we are where we are.  He is well aware of why I feel the way I do and has told me that he has tried and tried to explain to you what the problem is. But since you are asking I will let you know directly.  

First of all I recognize that you are sorry.  What I don't understand is why or how you can continue to apologize when you, as you say, don't know what you've done.  To me it cheapens the apology.  I apologize only when I know why I am doing it and realize that I was wrong.  You seem to think that just by apologizing that everything will be better.  This is far from the case, at least with me.  Apologizing doesn't take away the deed that was done.  The only thing that heals the wound is time.  

What has been bothering me, when it all boils down, is the fact that you don't respect me.  I wrote to you back in February to let you know that your son was deeply hurt by the fact that you didn't contact him regarding his incredible personal accomplishment.  Again, you were the only one in his life to miss this.  Where I come from the only person that shouldn't miss this type of event is a mother.  There are very few personal accomplishments a person gets to celebrate in their lifetime.  Marriage and birth of a child really don't count so that leaves college and if you are lucky a marathon type accomplishment.  I don't have to tell you that for David it was even more special since losing the close to 80 lbs before this event.  In the email I specifically asked you not to send a reply.  I asked that you not respond because I did not want to see the list of excuses you would surely have for me.  There was no excuse in the world besides the obvious of being in a coma or the like that would have excused missing this.  I knew you would tell me how busy you were with the election and how crazy things have been for you which is exactly what you wrote.  You completely disregard my feelings by responding to me.  You disrespected how I felt to make yourself feel better by trying to explain what happened.  That is the the main reason for my feelings toward you today.  I discussed with David after that incident, the summer vacation you would no doubt expect to have here in Florida.  The reasons I gave him for not wanting you to come visit are very simple and straight forward.  First, I would be home with the girls all summer while David worked.  The fact that he didn't take time off to visit with you puts me in an uncomfortable position by having to entertain you.  In my opinion that isn't fair.  I would never think of inviting my mother over while David was at home and I was at school all day - it just doesn't make sense.  Second, I was already upset with the way you handled me after the marathon and I really had no interest in spending all that time with you over the summer which was my choice not David's seeing that he chose to not take time off.  Third, the fact that you tried to pretend that you remembered my graduation by sending flowers made me feel as though you think I am stupid.  I don't care that you didn't know.  It's not your responsibility to remember my accomplishments.  I appreciated the thought and would have been fine with it had you not tried to get away with it by reminding David that you remembered my graduation when in fact he told you Friday night while we were at Chloe's softball game. Also, for you to suggest to David that the reason I am upset is because you didn't get me a birthday gift shows how little you really think of me.  Who gets mad about not getting a birthday gift?  Especially when the person you're mad at is supporting a family along with a new baby.  You do actually.  I remember the time you invited me to the movies only to remind me while we were out that David didn't get you a birthday gift.  You made me feel so bad that I made David get you a gift the next day - a gift certificate to the frame store.  I have never asked you for anything.  In fact I have told you not to buy the kids gifts. Fourth, it is very rude to just assume that you can come here to visit every summer and stay at our house.  No one in our lives has an open invitation to that.  This particular summer I wasn't working or enrolled in school.  It has been a special summer for me getting to spend that time with my children.  You made a scene while on the phone with David trying to manipulate him into securing a visit for you.  Stating that it's his decision not mine is rude and uncalled for.  I am the one who would be spending the time with you so it is my decision.  David and I have a very strong relationship based on trust and honesty.  He understands my feelings about everything because I explain it to him.  He agreed with me and you trying to get him to change our decision is wrong and underhanded.  Also, turning on the tears to try and make David feel bad isn't going to work anymore.  Usually when you go on vacation to stay at someones home you wait to be invited.  If they decide that it isn't a good time to come that should be the end of the discussion.  It is up to the homeowner what works for them and what doesn't.  I can't imagine my dad making such a fuss if I told him that this summer wasn't a good time (which I actually had to do this summer).  Fifth, this one has been seem in all the visits you have had since we moved and your daughter and son-in-law will agree with me on this: the time spent actually paying attention to your granddaughters is a distant second to the attention you give to your job, other friends, other travel plans and email while you are here on vacation.  Ironically you go on and on about how much you miss the kids and then when you are here with them you devote your time to anything but them.  All of these reasons helped to solidify my reasoning for not having you come this summer.

The rest of this email will provide you with other things you have done to upset or hurt me throughout the years I have been married to your son.  I'll go back to one of the worst days of my life.  Spring 2006.  You came down to visit at probably the worst possible time.  We were in the middle of buying the house and moving.  You were hellbent on seeing your friend from Universal which seemed more important than visiting your grandchildren.  You dragged me to Universal Studios so you could have lunch with this friend of yours.  Need I remind you that Annabelle was barely two at this point - not the ideal age for a theme park visit.  Because I love my husband so much I went with a smile on my face.  While you were off lunching it up I was stuck with two small children basically sitting on the park bench.  Annabelle was too small for most of the rides and without me Chloe wouldn't go on any by herself.  It was 90 degrees and I was struggling with a baby while you were happily unaware of my issues.  Then to add salt in my wound, you have the audacity to yet again think about yourself over thinking about me or your grandchildren.  On the way out while Annabelle is screaming crying in my arms and I was trying to steer a stroller with one hand (not easy if you have ever tried) you tell me that you want to stop and get a t-shirt for "poor David" who has to work.  Really?  Poor David needs a shirt?  You really hurt me that day by ignoring my suffering all so you could hob nob with some guy.  I needed help and you didn't bother to even ask to hold Annabelle so I could push the stroller. I ended up having to walk all by myself about a mile back to the car with a very heavy child while trying to steer a stroller with one hand. All you cared (and care) about is yourself.  This much I have learned in the eight years I have known you.  How about the time you demanded we go to RainForrest Cafe to eat lunch and then expected my parents to pay for half when all they had was a sandwich, which they split, and a cup of soup. You were not going to listen to anyone about other lunch ideas and even though I told you that it was pricey for us you wouldn't budge.  When you made the argument that you wanted to take the kids because they hadn't been I disagreed and said they had been twice - you still stood your ground.  You wanted to go, you got your way, and then you got mad when my parents only wanted to pay for what they ate.  I see nothing wrong with that.  You don't invite people out to an expensive restaurant and then expect them to split the bill with you.  That is very rude.  I am sure you wouldn't treat your friends like that.  Let's talk about the time you came to visit and on the way home from the airport you went on and on about how you wanted to spend time with me so you suggested lunch the next day.  I agreed because you seemed genuine about really wanting to talk with me.  The next morning I get up and get dressed only to come out to the kitchen to see you eating breakfast that David had made for the girls.  When I inquired about lunch you, yet again, disregarded me by waving me off saying that you decided to eat the "delicious breakfast" David had made.  I could go on and on: the time at Christmas when you invited us over.  When we told you that we didn't want to come because we didn't have presents for everyone you said not to worry that no one would be exchanging gifts that night.  But that wasn't the case was it?  We got there only to be humiliated once everyone started passing out gifts.  

All of these examples have helped me come to the conclusion that you are a selfish person.  You think that you can say I love you or I'm sorry and that can just wipe away the evil that you have bestowed on people.  That has worked in the past for me but now I stand up and say to you that I won't be treated like a jerk.  You have time and time again hurt me and disrespected me.  Actions always speak louder than words and your actions show that what you say is not the same as how you act.  It is too easy to pick up the phone and apologize. I don't accept.  I have every right not to have to accept. You can't force someone to just be over whatever it is that has upset them.  I have no problem with you talking to your grandchildren and if you want to come for a visit and stay in a hotel that would be fine as well.  It is up to me when I am ok with things and I am not there by a long shot.  The fact that you continue to push even after you agreed to let me come to you shows me that you care less about really making a resolution and more about making yourself feel better about the situation.  Time is what will make things better and you really making an effort of changing how you treat me.  I am quite sure that you were not expecting such a detailed account of why I am upset with you or you wouldn't have called today.  From this point going forward when I have an issue with you I will not brush it under the carpet.  I will take care of it right then, rest assured in that.  

Please refrain from calling me again as I will not answer.  I am not ready to talk yet.  I won't be so silly to ask you not to respond this time as I am sure you will want to explain away all the reasons for the above incidents.  There is nothing you can say that will change my mind about these particular events.  I remember them the way they happened and if you did as well you would have never wonder why we are where we are.


I haven't heard from her since.  I am proud of my email and think that it was something I had to do.